Wasn't Going To, But...

It is Sunday. I am alone, on my knees. Staring at Jesus' pained body hanging on the cross.

I wanted to scream. I did not want to hurt any more. "Why, God?" Why must I bear this pain, shame, darkness? I do not think I am supposed to feel this way? Why can I not just go through life happily like everyone else?

I felt a firm, but loving command to be quiet.

Stared and stared at the cross. Parishioners filing out to my left and right. Letting the organ music wash over me. Tears started welling up. Out of no where. I let them come. I welcomed them like the old friends they were.

"Tell everyone."

"Everyone, Lord?"

"Everyone."

"In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen."

My Catharsis - Cont.

Today was a much better day. I saw Matt, my counselor at the VA in Manchester. He thinks that putting my heart out here like this is a good idea. That it will help me quantify my feelings.

I realized that part of my pain is due to guilt. I made it. Why did I make it? Freaking A!. Why the hell did I make it?

a;sldfgj1346!!!!!

My Wounded Heart, My Catharsis- Part 1

What follows and what is to come is the most personal I have ever gotten in a public setting. My prayer is that this will help people. Help people understand what we go through. Help people who are going through it. Help people that love people going through it.

My pain is heavy. It pulls down on my soul like a stone in still waters. A song, a certain angle of a bend in the road, the snap of a flag in the wind, seeing a uniform and/or nothing can bring it on. I have cried in the shower, in the van, holding my children, walking down the street, in church and huddled in a ball on the couch in my office. I have snapped for very little reason. I have wished I was dead.

I feel like I need to hurt. Like if I no longer hurt, I will forget. It is not only for those fallen paratroopers that I cry. I cry for myself. I cry for my comrades that survived but still live with the war in their hearts and minds everyday.

Please forgive a veteran who needs to sit in the corner of a room so that no one can come up behind him. Please forgive a veteran who dodges trash in the road. Please forgive a veteran who stares at nothing. Please forgive a veteran who cries for his fallen brothers. Please forgive a veteran.

You may have seen the emails going around about a cold shower, a cold meal, a stone pillow, a hostile look, a long mission, a missed birth, a lukewarm homecoming. But it is so often true that it seers my heart to behold it and inflames my sense of right when beheld in the first person.

It has been said a million times. You cannot know what we go through unless you have been through it. Empathy does not require prior knowledge of the situation. That is all we want.

Empathy for what we have been through. Forgiveness for the horrors we carry with us.

I Ain't You

DISCLAIMER

The below video has some rather poor language. I don't agree with the choice of words, but I do pretty much agree with the message. Watch (and listen) at your own risk.

Check out this video: I aint like you

Update - The Coolest Thing Ever

The Associated Press reports, via MSNBC.com and other outlets, that 2007 has been the deadliest year so far in Iraq.

MSNBC.com and other outlets jumped on this bit. They were eerily quiet on the downturn. Odd, isn't it?

The Coolest Thing Ever.

If by "coolest thing ever" I could possibly mean the media sweeping great news under the rug.

According to the Pentagon, 38 American military personnel died in Iraq during the month of October. That is down 65% from last October and down 53% from June of this year, the month that the much pooh-poohed Surge began in full effect.

Here are a few stark examples:

• A search of CNN.com for "October casualties" brought a few results. "Monks march in central Myanmar", "CNN Student News: Ten Questions" and "CNN Student News Transcript: October 31, 2007" all appear before "Iraq war deaths show sharp decline". Never mind all that. The first thing you see (pictures draw the eye, right?) are four videos declaring Iraq in October to be some sort of failure. That failure? There were 887 civilian casualties in Iraq compared to 840 in September. A huge rise of...6%.
• The AFP, the French Press Agency, reports that "Iraqi deaths up in October in blow to US 'surge' policy" (yes, they said "in October in blow"). It takes them four paragraphs to mention that the 887 civilian deaths are part of a downward trend from August (which was 1,770). The biggest omission? They do not mention in the first screen-full of news (which is what most people read) that the civilians are being killed (for the most part) by the insurgents and their fellow Iraqis. When they do mention it, they let someone else say it by way of quotes. Deniability is awesome.
• Finally, from UPI, who claims "100 Years of Journalistic Excellence" on their banner: their headline is "Bush: 'Victory' starting in Iraq". You rock! At least they are talking about it. But do you like the spin they put on it? It is almost as if they mock the strides the Army and Marines are making in Iraq.

About the CNN bullet. Do not get me wrong. I think that any civilian casualty is a tragedy that needs to be studied.Beyond all of that, a quick check of iCasualities.org shows different numbers. They list 565 civilian and 114 Iraqi soldiers dying in October.When are these people going to start paying attention? Overall we are doing better. Is this not a good thing? It blows my mind that the media will jaw on and on about how badly this war is going but when there is something good to talk about, they don't mention it.

I have not seen one news piece about the Air Defense battery in Afghanistan that drove through hostile territory, up and through dangerous mountain passes, into a remote valley and then stayed there for nearly a week to deliver school supplies to children who had never owned a pen in their lives.

I have not seen one news piece about the Army hospitals doing surgery on local men whose testicles hadn't dropped yet. Grown men, in their 20s and 30s, who had not dropped yet. This had absolutely no military significance; these men weren't powerful or rich. The Army did it anyhow.

I have not seen one news piece about the Army medic who defied a not fully informed Lieutenant Colonel's orders and jumped out of a rolling up-armored Humvee to perform first aid on a kid that had been run over by a mini-bus. The locals gathered around the medic and the truck with him and blamed the soldiers (they couldn't see the mini-bus down the hill). There was nearly a riot of angry locals, but this medic continued first aid until a US ambulance arrived. This medic later lost his life in Iraq.

These are only some of the stories that I have personal knowledge of. Who could possibly know how many others are not being told?

The media doesn't tell you these stories because the 911 Truthers and other wackos would rather see us fail in Iraq to "win" their point than have us succeed in Iraq. And most of the media caters to these fools. Sadly, since they cater to fools, the majority of Americans, rushed through life as they are, take in the news, digest it quickly and go to bed.

Most Americans have no idea what it is like in Iraq or Afghanistan. None, none, none.

Wanted - A Few Good Men and Women

The Rest Can Just Stay Home

Calling all cowards. These jerkys do not believe in their calling enough to actually do it where it is needed most.

The Associated Press reported Wednesday that some members of the Diplomat Corps do not want to go to Iraq.

Ben Hartford reports today that they have no spine.

I liken this to lilly-livered losers that join the Army to get a college ejimication and then complain about being sent to war. "I didn't vote for this guy. I don't agree with why we're fighting. I shouldn't have to go." Then why did you join?

So here we have some pseudo diplomats not wanting to leave their cushy assignments.

"Incoming is coming in every day, rockets are hitting the Green Zone," said Jack Croddy, a senior foreign service officer..

NO! Really? Incoming is COMING IN everyday, Jacky-boy? Well shoot-far! I never. Hey, Jacky-boy, how do you know incoming rockets hit the Green Zone? Ever been there? Could you possibly imagine ducking into a bunker far too many times; hoping, praying, wishing you and your buddies make it out this time? Ever hear the ping of tungsten on armor? The snap of a bullet over your head?

I can not speak for a single diplomat. I imagine most wanted to be diplomats because they want to see a positive US influence on the rest of the world. If your brother and sister diplomats are not stepping up to the plate, someone needs to Jacky-boy. What did you think? Magically appearing democracies would pop up everywhere you waved your diplo-fairy wand?

By Jacky-boy's assessment we should allow soldiers to opt out of assignments based on how they feel about the objective, directives and means. Of course, this could easily change to allow soldiers to opt out of assignments if they simply feel like they do not want to go. Great idea. Let's change from a volunteer diplomat corps and Army to a volunteer-per-assignment diplomat corps and Army.

Jacky-boy. Jacky-boy. I hope you have to look a soldier in the eyes one day. I hope that soldier fought in Iraq or Afghanistan. I hope that soldier did not want to be there. That soldier did go. Did do his or her duty. Lost friends and compatriots. Missed out on all sorts of things. That soldier went.

Where will you go, Jacky-boy?

The Beginning

I have recently re-entered the job market.

I, as a person, am insatiable as far as education goes. Nearly everything interests me and induces me to learn more. Recently, I was in a bit of a conundrum. My previous job experience and future educational and occupational desires had met head-on. Should I pursue journalism, civil engineering, physics, music education or architecture? After I finally decided where I want to be when my journey is over, I was faced with the path I needed to choose. This started with finding a job to hold during my education.

A veritable plethora of jobs existed out there that I was more than qualified for. But time and time again I was faced with a closed door; associate's degree required, bachelor's degree required, master's degree required. An associate's degree required for an administrative assistant position. There are people in New Hampshire that are trying to require licensing for Interior Decorators! Some listings in the paper for positions requiring a master's degree do not even pay a living wage if you have a family.

I challenge you, my readers to perform an experiment. For the next four months record the approximate age of every service tech that helps you. Our skilled laborers (plumbers, electricians and the like) are getting older. There are high schools that require Seniors to apply for college in order to graduate high school.

All of this together spells out a horrid future for our country, a future that is already starting to affect us. In this future, you are nobody without at least an associate's degree. This future creates even more jobs that are "beneath" the average US Citizen. This future feeds the debt machine that has gripped this country for years already (re: Visa commercials implying that if you do not sign on to the digital money revolution, you are not normal, undesirable and unproductive...a bit of Utopianistic, eh?). This future will include an even larger problem with illegal immigration than the one we face now (more unwanted, but necessary jobs=more unwanted but necessary-because-of-our-snobbishness illegals). This future will beget even higher college costs.

I am the first person to encourage anyone who wants to go to college to do so. If doing so is not going to break them financially for decades to come. But telling kids that they must go to college? I will never do this. My children will be presented with all the educational, athletic and extra-curricular opportunities I can afford. If they choose to pursue a career that does not necessitate a college education, I will support that. If they join the Army, or Peace Corps, or Americorps, or any number of other options for college money of trade-training, I will support them.

I fear, though, that the world will not support them. I fear that plumbers and soldiers and librarians and teachers and police officers will always be needed. But we will never pay them what they deserve. And their pay will not rise as fast as inflation and the cost of living does. It has not historically done so. Our society has not changed its attitude towards those (and other) professions, and it will not be changing for the better anytime soon.